The night before my dad died we talked on the phone. He had called just to chat. Dad was never much of a phone chatter, so it was always a surprise when he called. Ironically I always thought when he called that something bad happened ... if I only knew ...
Anyway, we had talked about how he wanted to retire when he turned 60. We talked about the recent wedding of my cousin Shannon in Northern BC. Dad officiated the wedding. He had such an amazing trip! Dad had done a few of my cousins weddings but due to the vast distance between all of us, he was unable to attend all of them. (I should interject here that I have quite a large family. On dad's side alone, he has 5 sisters. This leaves me with 26 first cousins!) Anyhow, during our conversation he was saying how he really enjoyed Shannon's wedding and that although he would love to attend all of my cousins weddings, he just didn't think he'd be able to. He said he'd have to be choosy about which weddings he officiated. This is how our conversation went next:
Dad: "Well, I won't be able to do your wedding Erin."
Erin: "Should someone ever decide they're crazy enough to marry me, Dad?"
(HAHAHA ... we chuckled ... ).
Erin: "Of course you can't do my wedding, Dad. You have to walk me down the aisle."
Insert sob here.
I'll never have that opportunity. My dad will never walk me down the aisle and as much as I hate to admit it - the "girlyness/cheesiness factor" involved - it was a memory I so looked forward to creating.
I have had moments over the last nearly four months where I have really struggled with whether or not marriage is really for me. I was always that person that wanted to get married and have a family. Now ... I'm not so sure. I still tell myself and others that it's in the cards for me, but I sometimes wonder if it really is. And I know this might seem like such a little thing in the grand scheme of things but ... I just can't imagine getting married without my father walking me down the aisle. I know what you're thinking ... "He'll be with you in spirit, Erin." Yeah. I know that. And I know the rest of my family will be there (should this day ever come). But it's not the same. The memory I spent the last 30 years developing in my mind will never come to fruition.
God, I miss him.
Ok. So, the title to this blog is "Making a List". Well, here's where I get to that point. My dad always wanted me to be happy. He, of course, encouraged me to settle down with a nice doctor and make lots of money so I could grant my father a life he could become accustomed to. (Always the joker, he was.) In reality, he really just wanted me to find a man who would treat me right. Someone to laugh with me, cry with me, sing with me, parent with me. Someone who would appreciate dad's lame jokes. :) These days I feel like I've really lost track of what it is I'm looking for in a partner. So, it being the Christmas season and all, I'm making a list. It's not so much for Santa to "take a look and check twice". But more for me. A reference per se, so that I don't lose sight of what's important to me.
I miss you, Dad. Please feel free to send your encouragement and wisdom from heaven.
