My poetic life

I find it fascinating how sometimes things just fall into place. I hate to admit it, but my mother is right - about pretty much everything. :) She really is a brilliant woman. I struggled a lot growing up (and as an adult) and while I didn't always want to listen to what she had to say and the advice she offered, my mother was usually right. What was this brilliant wisdom, you ask? "If it's meant to be, it will be." Seems so simple, doesn't it? Well, eventually it is.

Over the past couple of years the good things in life have fallen into place. I graduated from university and found a job that I love. I work with the most incredible people a person could imagine.

I met the man of my dreams. Actually, we had known each other for about a year, but we started dating in January. He really is everything I could want in a partner and more. I'm a very lucky woman. It's interesting how it just ... happened. One day we would be high-fiving and making friendly conversation at the gym. The next, we're in love. Now, we're living together and planning our future. Life really can be poetic, can't it?

I'm not much of a poetry person. When we were required to study it in school I found it frustrating because, for the most part, I didn't understand it. But every once in a while something will really resonates with me. A couple of days ago, I was watching a show and they referred to this poem by William Wordsworth. It made me think of dad. I thought of the people I've lost. I'm sharing it with you here.

Splendour in the Grass

What though the radiance
which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass,
of glory in the flower,
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.

- William Wordsworth

Dreams

I sometimes wonder if dreams are the worst part of grieving. I often have dreams where my dad is still alive. At some point, while still in the dream, I realize that it's a dream and start to cry. I wake up in tears. I had a dream like this the other night. It's heartbreaking.

I was going through some files on my computer recently and moving them from my laptop to a new external hard drive. I found a video. I recorded it on the 6-month anniversary of dad's passing. I find music to be quite therapeutic. And this is one of the last songs him and I played together. We played it at his sisters funeral. I also played it at his funeral. I know it was a favourite of his. I could feel him with me that day.

I'm going to share it with you here. I couldn't figure out how to upload it to my blog, so I've added it to YouTube instead. You can find it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-DFCCxzWmU

Looking back while moving forward

It's been a while since I've written here. No reason, really. Lack of time? Lack of motivation? Lack of things to talk about? Could be a bit of all of these. I think I write the most when I'm feeling awful. So perhaps it's a good sign that I haven't felt the need to blog? :)

Since November, my last post, there's been a few significant incidents that have occurred. I'll share a few of them here.

My dad really wanted me to be a Petty Officer First Class in the navy. In fact, he was kind of rooting for me to pass my brother in rank. ;) All in good fun, of course. But my dad was also a Petty Officer First Class in the navy. That was the rank at which he retired. I had started working on courses to get me to this point before he died. His death motivated me to work a little bit harder on achieving the goal. I spent three weeks in St-Jean, PQ on my Intermediate Leadership Course. Step 1 in achieving the goal. While this was going on, I was also working on my Qualification Level 4 Distance Learning Course. It was these 2 courses, plus one more, that would make me eligible for promotion to Petty Officer First Class (PO1).

December was a rough month. Particularly around Christmas. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a Grinch. I was. I was miserable. I was not looking forward to the holidays. I didn't want to be around anyone. This is going to sound terrible, and I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. But for the first time, I understood why people attempt/commit suicide during the holidays. I was not/am not suicidal. But I could understand how people get so low, low enough to feel like there's no other way out.

On December 18th, one of my long time patients succumbed to Cystic Fibrosis. He was 16. It doesn't matter how long and how well you prepare yourself for the inevitable. It's still hard when it happens.

On December 25th, Christmas Day, another patient of mine ... one I had grown very close to ... succumbed to Juvenile Huntington's Disease. She was 17. We had known she was palliative. But none of us thought she would go quite so quickly.

So here it is ... the holidays. Already a tough time of the year for me and my family. Dad was such a fan of Christmas. He loved it! Loved to buy gifts and share time with his family. And he wouldn't be with us. That will never get easier. And December 27th marks the anniversary of Reece's passing. So really ... it was almost too much to bear.

But the New Year would offer some reprieve from my grief ...

A trip to Arizona in January to visit my mum and my aunts was wonderful. Sunshine is good for the soul. So is my mum. :) Here's a picture of my feet by the pool. Heavenly.



I entered into a relationship. And he's fabulous! His company is also good for the soul. :)

I'm in Quebec City at the moment. This is the last course I need to earn my promotion. Achieving my goals is becoming more of a reality. :) Shortly after I arrived here I received a random email from a man who had done Basic Recruit training with my father in 1968. He hadn't seen him since 1975 but had been thinking of him and was trying to find him on Facebook. It was there that he stumbled upon the memorial page for my father and contacted me. He shared a couple of pictures with me. And I will share one of them here with you. You can find my father in the bottom picture, back row, 5th from the left. Or you can look for his goofy grin and his ears. ;)



Quebec is pretty. I'm not much of a winter person, but I tried to make the best of it. I checked out Bonhomme Carnival. Here's a few pictures that I took.





I'm hoping to go to Montreal next weekend to check out the city and visit my cousins, Ryan and Brendan. The weekend after that I plan on going to Ottawa to visit my good friend, Caroline and Konrad. Then, the weekend after that we all head to Halifax to finish the final two weeks of the course. I'm very much looking forward to this. It'll be great to see some old friends, specifically Brian and Shauna. :) And perhaps some family.

So ... 2011 is off to a pretty good start. Lots of great days so far. And so many wonderful things to look forward to.